Feel like you're not good enough? Here's why and what to do about it.
Do you present a certain version of yourself to the world, but deep down believe that you're not good enough?
Feelings of inadequacy like this are very common and often the reason why we stay in jobs, relationships or situations that are not good for us.
An epidemic of lack
Where do these feelings come from and why are they so commonplace? Unfortunately being human means we will all be exposed at some point to negative experiences. This can be things like trauma, conditioning, neglect, indoctrination, manipulation, abuse or bullying.
It can also stem from subtle childhood experiences because children don't have much perspective and tend to make everything about themselves.
For example, if your parent was struggling with their mental health and failed to make time for you, you might interpret this as there being something wrong with you—and a seed of lack was planted in your mind.
These seeds grow into limiting beliefs that run amok in your subconscious mind, driving your decisions and behaviours every day. They are often the biggest obstacle we face when trying to live a fulfilling, authentic life.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.”
—Carl Jung
If your feelings of inadequacy go unchecked, they can permeate your adult life and lead to behaviours like people-pleasing, imposter syndrome or perfectionism.
Welcome to the trap of suffering
Take no action and you will fall into the trap of suffering that most people are caught in. You will end up basing your self-worth on your looks, your brains, your status, or how much money and stuff you can accumulate. This puts you in a fragile position, because all these things can change:
If you base it on being rich, what happens if you lose your wealth?
If you base it on being beautiful, what happens when your looks change?
If you base it on being strong, what happens if you get injured?
If you base it on being smart, what happens when you meet people smarter than you?
If you base it on your status, what happens if you get fired?
How to build anti-fragile self-esteem
So what should you base your self-worth on? I’ve spent many years pondering this question and supporting my much-loved clients in overcoming feelings of inadequacy. What’s become clear to me is that building an anti-fragile self-esteem comes down to three things:
Identify as a learner because then in life you either win or learn—you never lose. Every failure in your life is simply an opportunity to learn and get better. So when life gets challenging, you will navigate the struggle skilfully with your self-esteem intact.
Accept that you have self-worth by virtue of existing. Your worth is not earned or acquired but is an inherent quality of being human. Think of when you were born, this amazing creature of priceless, divine value. Then as you grew up you, you had negative experiences which led you to falsely believe that you are not enough. Working with a coach, therapist or spiritual teacher is one way of getting get back to your baseline, and reconnecting with your inherent, immutable self-worth.
Do things you believe are worthy if you want to feel self-worth. If you take the path of least resistance in life, you will have nothing to feel proud of yourself about. Sure, you have inherent self-worth, but it will be wasted unless you take that power into the world and contribute. Commit to doing hard things—aligned with your interests and passions—that uplift you and other people. Over time, your achievements will serve as hard evidence of your worth and the contribution you are making to the world.
If these points speak to you, I invite you to show yourself some heartfelt self-compassion. It's so easy for difficult experiences from your past to negatively influence how you feel about yourself in the present.
Make today the day that you took the first step towards freeing yourself of the invisible constraints that are holding you back.
You only have one life, so don’t live it in the shadows of the person you could have been.
